The Words We Couldn't Say
by lanky.wolf
Summary: "I'm sorry, Harvey. I just had to know." He pulled her flush against him. "Donna, please don't apologize. Don't take it back." What if Harvey hadn't let her walk away after the kiss? One-shot.


**STORY: THE WORDS WE COULDN'T SAY**

* * *

 _Lips. Warmth. Donna._

His thoughts were coming in fragments, a poor match to the rapid beating of his heart.

Instinctively, he leaned in to deepen the kiss but Donna pulled away. One look at her face and reality came crashing back. She had kissed him, their relationship forever altered in those mere seconds. Her eyes were red-rimmed as she traced a hand down his face. It scorched. With hope or with despair, he wasn't sure. All at once, he was aware of everything and nothing.

"I'm sorry, Harvey. I just had to know."

And just like that, she was leaving him without an explanation. Without a chance for him to make sense of anything. He felt her fingers grazed his, and it spurred him into action. He swiftly caught her wrist, careful not to hurt her. Still, she wouldn't look at him, deliberately hiding her face.

Harvey pulled Donna against him, her back to his chest. His arms came around her, enveloping her small frame with his larger one. For such a fiery woman, Donna seemed so breakable in his embrace, her body shuddering. She was afraid. No. She was crying. He tightened his hold and nestled his nose into her hair. He didn't know what he could possibly achieve. He only knew he wanted to comfort her.

"I shouldn't have done that," Donna muttered in a shaky voice. "I shouldn't have put you in that position..."

 _Paula_. She was talking about Paula.

Harvey closed his eyes and fought against his logical mind. One that was screaming for him to let her go. One reminding Harvey that he was a disloyal scum. But for the life of him, he couldn't make himself drop his arms. He was such a hypocrite for priding himself as a man with high integrity. For blaming his mother. _Damn it all, he had no right._

 _'Love makes a person go blind and do foolish things'_ was such an idiotic saying. That was what he'd always believed. He didn't understand it until this very moment. It was why people had accused him of having a clouded judgment when it came to Donna. With her, he could never think straight. He never played by the books or adhered to the standard moral principles. For Donna, he was never black and white. He was always murky and grey, willing to do anything for her. With her.

In that moment, there was only one thing that mattered. He didn't want to see her cry. Not because of him.

"I'm sorry, Harvey. I shouldn't have..."

"Donna, please don't apologize. And please don't take it back...," he whispered in her ear, nuzzling closer.

"I'm—," Donna sighed.

He turned her around in his arms, afraid to let her go entirely. There was pain in her eyes. He'd been the one to put it there. He was angry. _At himself._ He was also feeling torn for her. For the thirteen years he'd allowed them to be in _this state of wrong_.

"What did you have to know, Donna?" He trailed his fingers down her arm until they reached her hand. He clasped them tightly to stop her from walking away. As soon as they left this room, everything would change. He might lose her forever. He couldn't bear the idea of it.

"My feelings for you," Donna said, averting her eyes away. "If we could ever be…you know what, it doesn't matter. I'm really sorry. Go, Harvey. It's late. Leave."

"You can't be serious. You kissed me, and now, you're asking me to leave?" Harvey asked gently. _Rhetorically_. No one was going anywhere until they clarified that _kiss_. "Nothing about this _'doesn't matter'_." Donna returned his gaze, uncertainty dancing in her eyes. Harvey lightly brushed tears away from her cheeks - ones he never wished to see again if he could help it.

"Please, Donna. Tell me."

Eventually, she consented. "Not here."

She took a step back, but Harvey didn't trust himself to let her go completely. Their touch was the only thing keeping him sane and brave enough to see this through. As long as they didn't break contact, he didn't need to face the consequences of his infidelity. _Not yet._ He wasn't a good man. He knew as much. But while he was here - _they were here_ \- he would bear with the lesser version of himself.

"Follow me," Harvey said, leading her towards the elevators.

She attempted to pull away. "What if someone sees?"

"Let them. I honestly don't give a damn," Harvey bit out, gripping her hand tighter. He was resolutely guiding her forward before he could stop to second guess his own actions. Taking them away from her office was for her benefit. Not his. The entire world could witness whatever they needed to hash out for all he cared. Tonight, he'd lost his mentor. He was not going to lose the most important woman in his life, too.

 _The most important woman in his life._ Shouldn't that person be Paula? No, for the next hour or so, he couldn't concentrate on Paula. He pushed away the guilt that was threatening him.

Harvey pressed the elevator button impatiently. While they waited in silence, he didn't dare look at her. He was afraid to see regret on her face - simply because he didn't regret the kiss. But he was also too cowardly to admit it, his heart and mind volleying between desire and loyalty.

"Harvey…," Donna protested weakly, a plea to have him release her hand. Or release her completely from his life, he wasn't sure.

"Let me make this clear to you, Donna. I _cannot_ let you go," Harvey said. The elevator doors opened, and for the rest of the way, they didn't say another word. All the while, he never dared let go.

* * *

 _'I cannot let you go.'_

He wasn't just talking about releasing her hand. His words had carried more weight - she didn't miss his double meaning. For once, he'd surprised Donna by not walking away. Or letting her walk away. Because for years, that was what they did best. _Walking away from each other._ Something significant or meaningful would happen between them, and they'd distance themselves. They'd move on like nothing happened. This time, she had intended to play the 'walker', but he'd not let her.

Inside the elevator, she caught glimpses of Harvey's expression - confusion, worry, and something else she couldn't identify. He was obviously wrestling an internal struggle. Knowing Harvey's grudge against his mother's affairs, Donna realized she'd put him in an impossible situation with the kiss. He was with Paula, for God's sake.

The elevator doors opened to the rooftop - his private sanctuary. A place he came to think alone or to discuss his most personal matters. A place he'd never taken her. They'd both been here on their own, but never with each other. Harvey led her to his usual spot. There, Donna leaned against the railing, and he finally dropped her hand. Still, Harvey inched closer until their shoulders and arms touched. Donna observed his need for contact; as if it was essential for him to be physically connected to her somehow. Donna considered moving away but decided against it. She didn't want to argue tonight. For long moments, they stared out into the night. The city was blazing with life, oblivious to the two damaged souls sulking on this very rooftop.

Donna was the one to break the silence. "I'm s—."

"Don't. Apologize. Again." Harvey turned to face her. "Every time you do, it only reminds me that I've put _us_ in this mess."

Unexpectedly, he didn't sound angry. He was frustrated, his tone mostly sad.

"I initiated that kiss. And _you're_ the one who put _us_ in this mess? Are _you_ insane?"

"Okay. Fine. _We_ both put _us_ in this mess. But the truth is, I let it go on…whatever this is...for thirteen years. I'm as much to blame, Donna." He looked away. "I only want to know...why now? Why…when I'm with..." He couldn't even say her name. Instead, he puffed out a breath before facing her again. Donna bit the insides of her cheeks, hating herself for making Harvey question his own loyalty.

"Because…," Donna began. Because Mike had encouraged her to tell Harvey how she felt. Because Louis had spoken about losing his soulmate to another man. No, those were all excuses. She had her own mind. She knew her own heart. She'd acted on her own will. There were no other reasons apart from…

"Because I've loved you…for too long. Because it hurts…" - _to see you with someone else,_ she kept those words to herself. He could decipher the rest. She shut her eyes, not wanting to see how he'd react. He had every right to hate her for ruining the one good relationship he was finally in. "This is on me, Harvey. I was selfish…"

"…for seven _goddamn_ seconds, Donna. You were selfish for seven seconds. If _that_ requires an apology, maybe I should just throw myself off this building for putting myself before you all these years."

Donna's eyes flew open, and she grabbed for his arm. She knew innately he wasn't the suicidal type and wouldn't act on impulses like that. But they were both emotional, and she'd operated on pure instincts. He covered her hand with his and offered a sad smile. "I was speaking hypothetically. You know I'd never…"

She nodded. "I wasn't thinking." For the kiss. For taking that comment so seriously. For being here with him.

"I didn't…," Harvey spoke so softly that Donna had to strain to hear. "I didn't stop the kiss. I didn't stop us." He gazed into the skyline, his hand still on hers. They were trembling, and she wasn't certain if it was driven by anger, sadness, or suppressed disgust. "I couldn't stop. I wanted more. Even knowing I have someone else in my life, I couldn't stop." He let out a humorless chuckle. "What you must think of me...I'm just like her, Donna. " _His mother._

Harvey set his jaw. His eyes flashed with new pain. "Am I even worth it? Worth to break everything you believe in for?"

They were both tiptoeing a very thin line between right and wrong. She'd ignored her own moral compass when she'd kissed him. The righteous Donna he knew would never get in between a relationship. She would never get involved with a taken man. Likewise, Harvey was here with her against his good senses. It was his way of saying she was worth it. Even if he hated himself for it, she was worth it. Because what Harvey despised most in life was _betrayal_ , and she had forced his hand.

"Harvey, you're not your mother," Donna said. "And we don't love the people we love because they're perfect. We love them because of who they are." _Yes, he was worth it._

She watched his eyes softened, his bite slightly easing - as if her words had given him some sort of reprieve. He was trying very hard to forgive himself. And he almost succeeded too. _Almost_.

When he didn't say anything, Donna reassured, "I want you to be happy, Harvey. For a moment there, I forgot myself. And I really am sorry. If being with Paula makes you happy, please go to her. I'll be fine, I promise."

She was proud of herself. Her voice had barely shook on those last words.

* * *

There it was again - Donna putting his needs before her own. He really was such an ass for making her embrace it as a habit all these years.

Did Paula make him happy? Yes. In a shallow sense, she did. He enjoyed spending time with her. He even liked her. A lot. But he… _didn't_ love her. _Couldn't_ was perhaps the better word. Never once had he felt the same level of passion or intensity he'd felt when Donna had kissed him.

 _Paula. Would she be home waiting for him?_ He'd given her a set of keys to his place. _Donna's keys._ What was he supposed to do now?

He wished his mind wasn't thinking so loud because Donna seemed to have heard them. She tried to hide her frown behind a sad smile.

"Go, Harvey."

She untangled her hand from his and this time, his mind won. He took a step back and let her go. The loss of her warmth left him feeling hollow, and it only confirmed his doubts. He had to do this right.

"I can't say it back," Harvey declared, his fists clenched at his sides. "I want to. Damn it, I really want to say the words you need to hear. But I can't. Do you understand what I'm saying, Donna?"

Donna nodded. "I do, Harvey. More than you know…"

Of course, Donna understood him. She knew him better than anyone else in the world. Hell, she knew him better than he knew himself.

This time, Donna didn't wait for him to walk away. She moved around him, and he reached out to grab her hand. He squeezed it three times, willing her to know what he could not say. Her gaze was anchored to the floor when she squeezed it back. _Twice_.

 _What could she mean?_

Then, Harvey watched her leave. She didn't turn back. Not even once - as if she'd lost faith in them completely.

 _Did she really understand?_

* * *

After hours of wandering aimlessly on the streets, he eventually made his way home. And there Paula was, asleep on the couch. A new overwhelming sense of misery washed over him. He sat down on the furthest seat away. He found that the more distance he put between them, the easier it was for him to breathe.

He'd made his decision, and there was no turning back. He was going to throw away a perfectly safe relationship with Paula to pursue something he might end up regretting with Donna. For over a decade, their _unique_ relationship had worked well enough. Sure, they'd fought and had periods of estrangement. But there was never a doubt that everything between them would work itself out. Donna kissing him had changed everything. Her almost confession about loving him for who he was…he couldn't get her voice out of his head. Her eyes. Her touch. Her lips.

Perhaps he had unknowingly sighed out loud, because Paula woke up. Rubbing her eyes, she looked at him with a smile on her face.

"Hello," Harvey greeted. It had come off so cold that it even grated his own ears. _He was a undeserving piece of crap._

"Why are you sitting all the way there?" Paula asked. After a pause, she recognized that something was off. She was a therapist after all, and nothing could ever escape her notice. "I see…something has happened…"

"I'm sorry," Harvey muttered, consciously telling himself to not look away from her eyes. "I can't do this anymore. It's not right."

She sat up all the way, the professional persona overtaking her entire stance. Calmly, she asked, "Is this because of Donna?"

Harvey wasn't even surprised that Paula had guessed it. He'd told her about his relationship with Donna before, during his sessions to rid his panic attacks. Since they got together, he'd felt Paula's undercurrent tension whenever Donna's name was brought up.

"Yes. No. Actually, it's because of me." That was all he managed. Technically, he wasn't lying. He hadn't initiated the kiss, but it didn't change the fact that he'd wanted more. He still wanted more.

Harvey didn't want to tell Paula about the kiss. It was his. It was Donna's. It was theirs. A sacred and beautiful moment. He wasn't going to let some psychoanalysis theory taint it. He also wasn't ready to hurt Paula with the unnecessary details. Breaking up with her like this was cold-hearted enough. What she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. Besides, Paula had her own baggage about fidelity and learning about the kiss would only make things worse.

 _Hell, his morality was 'impeccable' indeed._ From now on, he'd think twice before he preached the concept of loyalty or honesty to anyone. Tonight, he was the perfect anti-role model.

It should have been impossible. But he found there were other things that mattered more than moral grounds. In truth, Harvey hadn't told Paula about the kiss because he wanted to protect Donna. He didn't know what would happen to her if Paula were to find out, and he wasn't risking anything. He wasn't risking Donna.

Paula only nodded, reacting to the situation like a professional therapist and nothing like the woman he'd come to know.

She stood up. Out of respect, Harvey joined her on his feet. He was half-expecting her to slap him or scream at him. Any kind of outburst from her, Harvey would have happily taken it. But she surprised him by handing the set of keys to his place back.

"Don't blame yourself, Harvey." Paula's eyes were filled with unshed tears. She could read more than what he'd told her. Maybe not the specifics but she could make out the general idea. "You have to stop blaming yourself."

"I'm so sorry," Harvey sighed. It was all he could offer. That, and his very confused sentiments. When he made no move to take the keys, she took his hand and pushed them into his palm.

She shook her head. "I knew. All along, I knew. It was never mine to own. Your keys." After a pause, she added, "Your heart. But..I tried to force _us_ anyway."

With that, she walked out of his apartment. Out of his life.

* * *

Harvey was sleep-deprived. All night, he'd tried to live down the guilt of breaking up with Paula. He'd tried to make sense of what would happen next. What it meant for Donna and him. On his way to work this morning, he'd forced himself to look forward. He would talk to Donna. After that, he also had Jessica's issue to work on. But for once, he chose to answer his heart before his mind. He shoved work aside. He parked everything else because Donna had waited too damn long for him to get his shit together. He didn't know exactly what he was going to do. But doing something was better than doing nothing, right?

He nervously stepped inside Donna's office and for a moment, everything stilled. She wasn't there. How was it possible that Donna wasn't there? She was always the first to come to work. Had something happened to her? Or was she running away from last night? At the very spot where he stood, they had transformed everything between them. Had she changed her mind?

Harvey hastily turned around and crashed into Mike.

"Woah! Watch where you're going, Harvey," Mike exclaimed, balancing the both of them.

Harvey didn't stop to acknowledge him. He moved past Mike, busting his brain for places where Donna could be. He took only five steps before Mike called out from behind, "If I were a man in a three-piece suit looking for a redhead in a stunning blue dress, I would go to the rooftop."

Harvey spun around, arching his brows. "Rooftop?"

Mike smirked. "Rooftop. And bring her coffee. She looks like she needs it." He closed the distance to Harvey. "I don't know what happened between the two of you, but…Donna deserves better…and I'm just saying...maybe you're that ' _better_ '." Decidedly, Mike offered one last comment. "And Harvey, stop doubting yourself."

Donna had told him that he was not his mother. Paula had told him not to blame himself. And now, Mike was telling him to stop doubting himself. Harvey couldn't shake off the self-deprecation enitrely, but people closest to him were telling him he was not a bad person. Maybe, he was a _little worthy_ after all.

Mike was already walking away when Harvey spoke up.

"Mike?" Harvey waited for him to turn. "Thank you."

"I prefer a Porsche, if you really want to thank me." Mike smiled. "Go get her."

* * *

"So, I bring you to my secret haven once...and now, you're going to just claim it as yours?"

Donna heard Harvey before she saw him. It was a cold morning in New York City, and she had thought the wind would help clear her head. After last night, she found herself unable to be rational about anything. Hours later, she was still a mess.

"Don't be so dramatic. I'm just borrowing it for the morning," Donna said, going for _unaffected_ and failing miserably. He sat down next to her. Unlike yesterday, he kept a safe distance between them.

"Fine. But it's going to cost you."

"How much?"

"I'll think about it," Harvey answered casually. He held up a cup of hot latte. "For you." He always seemed to know what she needed.

"Thanks." When he passed the coffee to her, their fingers grazed briefly. He suddenly reached out to feel her arm with his other hand, his warm touch a stark contrast against her cold skin. She'd welcomed the numbness earlier. But of course, Harvey wouldn't let it go.

"Donna. How long have you been up here?" He shrugged off his suit jacket and draped it over her shoulders.

"I'm fine, Harvey."

"Oh, and is ' _fine'_ a new way of saying 'freezing to death'?"

He was being protective, looking out for her well-being. _Typical Harvey,_ Donna thought with a small grin.

At her lack of response, he added, "Woman…I know you don't report to me anymore, but let me to get your priorities straight. You're not allowed to freeze, faint or let anything happen to you. You still owe me rental fees for 'borrowing my rooftop'. You hear me?"

Donna chuckled. He was trying to bring back their usual banter, and she appreciated the effort.

"And what would it cost me exactly? We should settle the debts now."

Harvey frowned and said more solemnly, "Why? So you'd be free to leave me with a clear conscience?"

"I didn't say…" How did he know? All morning, she'd been thinking about leaving him. If she couldn't have a life with Harvey, she didn't think she could put herself through watching him with someone else again. She needed to get out of there. But one thing kept holding her back. One person. _Him_. _How would Harvey fare without her?_ Unbelievably, she still worried over him. And she really didn't need to. He had Paula.

As if Harvey could read her thoughts, he cut in, "I ended it. With Paula, I mean. It was never right…" He smiled at her. "She was not you."

Donna's eyes rounded with surprise. When he said he couldn't ' _say it back'_ last night, she'd been certain that he'd meant he didn't want _them_. As in, he wanted things to be the same between them. The are-we-are-we-not relationship they'd danced to. In retrospect, she realized that she didn't understand _a thing_. Donna felt her heart thudding crazily in her chest.

"Donna, I'm probably going to mess us up somehow. I'm not good at relationships. But if you're willing to try your luck at my 'lousiness' and be with me, I promise I'll make it work for us. I'll also have to ask up front that you be patient with me. What do you say? Want to give 'lousy' a go?"

He was trying to keep it light but was undoubtedly feeling exposed. She didn't miss the vulnerability in his eyes. Donna tilted her head in disbelief. "You already know how I feel, Harvey. Nothing's changed. For a long time, nothing's ever changed. I was..."

Harvey stunned her by cupping her face and bending down to kiss her. When their lips met, Donna ceased to think. His lips were soft, his mouth careful and undemanding - as if he was afraid he would scare her away. She missed this. She missed him. The passion from their one night came rushing back to her. Donna held his face in her hands, tracing lines down his jaws.

"Harvey…," she breathed. She tangled her fingers in his hair, pulling him closer. His tongue licked the corners of her lips, gently seeking entrance. When she opened her mouth, he took over and deepened the kiss. His hand caressed her neck as Harvey claimed her possessively. All the yearning, the guilt, the love, the pain, the hope - everything...they poured into the moment.

A blaring honk sounded from the streets, and Harvey remembered himself. He drew back, resting his forehead to hers.

"I'm sorry, Donna. I just had to know," Harvey gasped between breaths, repeating her words from last night.

"And what did you find out?"

"What I already knew." He reached for her hand to squeeze it three times. "I love you. I never stopped loving you. I was just too afraid to do anything about it."

Donna squeezed it back. Twice. " _Only you_. I've always needed _only you_. I love you, Harvey."

Harvey beamed at her with genuine happiness. "Thank God, you never gave up on me." He sealed the words with a kiss.

Against his lips, Donna whispered, "Oh, and Harvey? There's something else you should know."

"Hmmm?"

"There is nothing 'lousy' about this. We're going to be damn great together."

"Aye, my lady," he drawled roguishly. When Donna laughed at his outrageous pirate talk, he waggled his brow at her. "But ye still owe me th' rent."

* * *

 **Thank you for reading and reviewing. I'll be the first to admit that it's not as good as all the stories everyone else is posting (which I'm also loyally following and loving!) I'll leave the super angsty, gripping drama writing to the professionals.** **This was something I had to get out** **so my brain could** **function again.** **As for the pirate talk, I was unconsciously influenced by Captain Jack Sparrow on screen while writing this.**

 **Aye, I be off t' continue me other silly tale. Thank ye sincerely fer sharin' yer thoughts.**


End file.
